What Happens When A Man Meets A Woman…

You just met. She’s playing it cool, because why not; you aint shit. She knows nothing about you except that you’re fond of a Sambuca or two and that you probably shop in Zara because the shirt you’re wearing is alright, I guess.

She half heartedly tells you about herself and may drop in one or two ‘wow’ statements to give you the impression that she’s a different type of girl. A girl you haven’t come across before. An intriguing one to say the least..

She must at least semi fancy you because she’s answered over 5 of your questions and hasn’t rolled her eyes once. This doesn’t mean anything though, it just means that for now she hasn’t got anywhere more important to be, like the toilet mirror. She probably reapplied her lipstick just before you initiated conversation so you’ve got roughly 20 minutes before she goes back.

You’re looking at her thinking she dresses well and can engage in conversation, prompting you to get your game face on and challenge her number. You’re a decent guy so you won’t approach her with the “hey lets go back to mine” line as you’ve just met, but you will drop game about how interesting she is and you’d love to carry on the conversation another time.

Convo done and number secured, she politely tells you it was nice to meet you and goes to find her friends. She needs to remind them how buff she is; someone just asked for her number you know.

You text her the next day and tell her it was nice to meet her and is she hungover? Maybe perhaps ask her what she’s upto on this lazy Sunday. So smooth with your opening message.

Her phone bleeps and she’s all “hahahah oh my god that guy has text me – don’t even know his name” and her friends all respond with “lolol what did he say?”.

You get a conversation going – nice one. You realise she’s actually kinda funny and try to stick her with endless ‘banter’ texts to keep it going.

She starts to enjoy the conversation and realises that you’re actually kinda funny too. She responds to your wit and subtle insults as that’s her way of flirting. She decides that no one else is texting her at the moment so she may as well carry on with you.

*** Fast Forward 2 Weeks***

You’ve been talking everyday and you’re now trying to focus on the physical. You’ve added her on Facebook and yup; she’s fit. You’ve hinted at going out but she hasn’t entertained it just yet. You keep going though because you’re a lad and can juggle 90 women at once, apparently.

She’s starting to get attached to your conversation because without it she has no one else to entertain her. She’s debating going out with you to see if you match up to who you portray to be in messages. She waits for you to drop another hint so she can act on it this time.

*** Fast Forward 1 Month***

You successfully asked her out and you met up. Well, you chilled. You had fun and wondered how you were going to get her into bed. The texts remain the same and you keep asking to meet up. Being brave you then ask what she’s doing after town with the girls.

She’s drunk and giggly and all her friends are asking if she’s heard from you. She has. She’s been on several meet ups with you and she’s now wanting to turn you on. She decides that a Saturday night is perfect and comes to yours after her night out.

You have sex.

*** Fast Forward 3 Weeks***

You’ve slept together a few times and spoken a little but not that much. You’re busy with the boys. Or Work.

She’s on your sister’s, best friends Facebook to see if you’re tagged with anyone. She’s also on your twitter, decoding your last tweet and seeing what time it was sent. Was it before or after you’d text her? Shit.

She knows everything about you. where you shop. What you like to eat. Who all your best friends are. Where THEY live. Where THEIR girlfriends live.

She spends all day stalking in some way. She just found out you dated someone she knows. Fucking hell she’s livid. She texts you, playing it cool. Wants to meet up.

You don’t respond. Not really on purpose just you can’t be arsed right now.

She’s decided she’s obsessed with you. Especially because you didn’t reply. She’s wondering why and getting irate convinced you’re with someone else. She starts to resent you because you spent so long chasing her but now you’re going cold?

She finds out where you’re going but doesn’t go there. She just needs to know so she can piece together how your nights going to play out.

She then looks through every female friends Facebook you have. Is she pretty? Is it relevant? Do you wanna fuck your friend? Oh God She just doesn’t know.

*** Fast Forward 2 Weeks***

She’s still stalking you but trying to play it cool whenever you communicate.

You had sex with her last Friday but you haven’t messaged her since.

She gets aggy and tries to kill you.

She then tries to sleep with you after trying to kill you and the whole stalking process goes round in another circle until eventually you move town and never see her again.

The end.

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Now I’m not sure if this whole scenario is saying that women go loco after sleeping with a guy or if it means that once sex gets involved, women expect a level of normality or routine but they do feel like shit once a guy sleeps with them then goes quieter than Funky Dee’s career. You’ve been talking/sexing for 3 months, surely she’s done something spectacular for you to like her? Apparently not.

Sometimes it isn’t personal and I don’t think men always intentionally aim to lead women on but it just shows that men can carry on a quest for such a time and still not really catch too many feelings. It leaves the woman sat at her desk with her fluffy pen writing down all the ways she can try leave you wanting more. She never hears from you though so that list goes in the bin in a rage.

The stalking element comes in because the texts die out but she still wants to hear from you. So she hears from you via your conversations and interactions with other people LOL.

Bye.