2017 has been an odd year; a mad, odd year. Some people may have noticed small changes in me, but not too much, while others who are new to my life or social following may be thinking “Jesus what is happening to this girl?!” Nothing man, I’m all good.
I posted a month or so ago about moving back to London, which you can read here and I can’t decide whether being in this new environment has been at the forefront of the change in me or if it’s simply just me growing and moving as a person.
I’ve always been a bit of a front. That person that cusses and swears down that she won’t be told what to do only to go and get on with it like a little bitch. That’s not to say I’m a pushover. If you know me, you’ll know I’m always ranting or raving about some injustice or another and I’ll punch you up if you piss me off. It’s just that I’ve spent many years doing things I sometimes don’t want to do and feeling that I need to portray myself in certain ways to be accepted properly. Properly where bruv?! What am I doing? Big 28-year-old like me can’t be myself because it doesn’t sync with who you are? Yeah, move. Even blogging it took me YEARS to finally get on and do it because no one ever knew I could even spell let alone write a decent article. None of my friends has ever made me FEEL like I can’t be myself but as a confidence thing or low self-esteem thing I was ever so hesitant about expressing myself through writing. It’s why I don’t particularly like my friends following me on Twitter because naturally we’re not always going to see eye to eye and I know sometimes they’re probably thinking “shut up Ldot”. I bet you they’re even thinking it now lool. Hi guys, love you.
Back to the point…
I felt like I was pushed to a limit this year that I never want to be pushed to again. It made me act out of character and transformed me into a colder woman than I think I care to be. I shrug my shoulders when people tell me what I’m doing is a bit mad or I say “I don’t care G” when someone asks how I feel about certain situations. I been moving rekky and because I felt so damaged I’ve enjoyed it *insert ‘I dunno’ hands up in the air emoji*. My experiences this year have pushed me into corners where being ‘savage’ seemed like the only way to cope. Although seemingly detrimental in the long run, it has however heightened my desire to fully be…me.
This year has taught me that it’s ok to be you. It’s ok not to be ok, it’s ok to be a wild mess as long as you identify that this is not your end product. You are a work of art and you will be adding pieces to your painting until the day you die so you better ensure you make it colourful.
I’ve added to my tattoo collection, I’ve not worn a bra to the last 5 raves I’ve been to, I’m outlandish with my middle finger up and tongue out and honestly, I’ve needed it. I’m such a deeper person than how I appear visually because visually a lot of you know I’m quite ‘out there’. I’m absolutely not your standard woman and I proper love it. I just think sometimes I’m not taken seriously because I don’t look serious, and that’s irritating. I overthink everything, I worry, I analyse the shit out of most situations; I type, delete, type, delete for about 45 minutes and deep down I just want the world to be a better place but slowly this year has enabled me to live out my life as honestly as possible, and that is great.
I’m hoping I’ll have the courage to show you the real me the more I start to blog again, and in doing so it’ll free me of the negative energy I’ve harboured throughout the years saying yes when I mean no, or refraining from showcasing how I really feel or what I want to do. 2018 is all about loving myself to its highest standard and I feel it’s only when you love yourself to its highest standard that you can move onto loving other people; properly, anyway.
My piece of advice to you today is: “We’re here for a good time, not a long time” (Twitter, 2017). Thanks for reading xo