Situationship 101: What Are They And Are You In One?

I been pointing out for a few years now that situationships are not to be confused with regular dating experiences and vice versa but it seems you lot either got memories like goldfish or just not listening to aunty Lozza.

There was a tweet recently which asked the question: “on average how long do situationships last?” and I could tell by the responses that a lot of people were using the word situationship to describe everything BUT situationships.

To be honest, I don’t think the term situationship has officially been defined, but when you look at where it stems from it’s clear to see that it’s rooted in toxicity, trauma and unhealthy attachments to people we are not committed to, or at least who are not committed to us.

My first experience of a situationship was off of the back of an official relationship funnily enough – with that same person. We broke up at uni but carried on seeing each other and when secrets started emerging, nonchalant attitudes were being displayed and other random factors started showing up I realised I was in a situationship, not a relationship, or a fling, or a casual hookup. I was attached to a person who no longer saw commitment as an option but wanted me in all my entirety regardless. When someone wants you close, but not forever, they’ll tell you what you want to hear but follow it with just enough heartlessness to keep you on your toes, or get your guard up. These arrangements usually end when one person realises they are not being treated fairly or when the situation is too painful to continue with.

The word itself just isn’t a positive word, is it? Hence why I get confused when people speak about dating in general but label it a situationship. If your dating life isn’t one sided, unfulfilling, complicated or hard to get out of then you aren’t in situationships with anybody lol you’re just dating…healthily! If you meet Roger down the pub and end up sleeping with him every week for 2 months then mutually go your separate ways you just had a fling babes. Although slyly wouldn’t recommend having sex with anyone named Roger? I dunno… just feel like that ride would be capped at a 3/10.

To go back to the question on average how long do situationships last, the most realest answers were the scariest. Yes, situationships can last YEARS! If you’re giving someone pretty much all of you; your time, your nurturing abilities, intimacy, gifts and other things that satisfy a person all while they’re giving you only 50% return, firstly wake up bruv but secondly you need to realise that unless YOU cut it off, this exchange is going to go on for an infinite amount of time because they’re not going to be the one to end such a convenient arrangement. Not until they meet someone they see a future with anyway. You’re longing for something more, you’re hoping the end result will be pics on the gram but instead you end up crying into your weetabix at 8am when you peep that he’s started following the girl he told you not to worry about and you know you can’t ask him without it turning into an argument and him reminding you that you’re not his girl. THAT is a situationship. You are in a mad situation, but yet to jump ship.

So don’t get this confused with seeing someone, or dating for a prolonged period of time. Dating is meant to be fulfilling, and fun. If you’re seeing someone who is showing mutual interest in you, is reciprocating your energy and you’ve both agreed to your personal terms and conditions – that’s great. Would you say to your friends you’re in a situationship or would you tell them you’re dating someone? Can you see the difference now?

I’ve broken dating down to help you identify where you may be at:

Hook ups: Predominantly one night stands or FWB (you don’t particularly speak unless it’s to meet).
Fling: Short lived fun, usually no strings attached and doesn’t last longer than 1-3 months.
Dating/seeing someone: A little more serious, you respect each others time and are willing to invest yourself by genuinely getting to know the person. There could be talks of exclusivity, and gentler versions of loyalty but ultimately it’s a “see where it goes” vibe. It’s likely you stop speaking to other people during this stage. If it blossoms into a relationship, amazing, but if it doesn’t then it was still a pleasant experience.
Relationship: Commitment, loyalty, etc etc full shebang Merry Christmas.
Situationship: Giving yourself to someone who either refuses to commit to you or promises everything but delivers nothing. It’s usually an exhausting experience because every high is followed by a low and vice versa. You never quite know where you stand, but you insist that loyalty and integrity is part of the deal. You have to break down texts to mean what you want them to mean, otherwise you end up pissed off or confused at what they might actually mean. There’s little consistency but when you do link up it’s the best feeling in the world. That feeling doesn’t last long…

If you feel like you’re in a situationship you have to ask yourself: Why? I know I told you to wake up a minute ago but I do sympathise with how turbulent these experiences can be. But something has to give, and it’s usually you. You have to take control and make decisions that won’t leave you feeling half empty. You have to seek out partners who like you enough to give you a good time without scarifying or exchanging any parts of yourself. As I say, dating is supposed to be fun and healthy but we’ve somehow made it into some weird, fucked up warzone and everybody is either hiding in the trenches or getting a bullet in the head as soon as they step out onto the field. It’s hard enough out there, so why make it harder?

My tip for 2021? Say no to situationships. Even if you’re a strong independent woman, they will try to kill you…

Other posts you may enjoy:
6 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Go With The Flow
Love Island Addition: Should You Be Loyal Before You Are Official?
8 Ways To Stop Social Media Stalking Your Ex