Why You Think You’re In Love With Your Situationship

Situationships are tough and they seem to be the most popular category of dating among the millennial and much of the gen Z generation which I really hate to see. That’s a lot to unpack in itself but today we’ll focus on why you feel so strongly for that man that aint yo man. If you need reminding on what a situationship actually is, you can read my post all about it here

Falling in love with someone who hasn’t expressed wanting a committed relationship (but sleeping with you anyway) or even someone who doesn’t seem fully interested is an experience many women have encountered at some point. It can feel both thrilling and confusing being drawn to a person who is emotionally unavailable. When you’re single looking in you can’t possibly fathom ever being in that situation but life comes at you fast so if you’ve recently just given your number out to someone then you better read what I have to say!

How Unavailability Fuels Desire

There’s a common saying that we want what we can’t have. This idea is rooted in basic psychology. When someone is emotionally or physically unavailable, it can trigger an increase in desire due to a combination of cognitive and emotional factors.

If we look at luxury, we know that people always want what is deemed ‘hard’ to obtain. That’s why we’ll flex our £3000 LV bag but not so much the £7 Primark tracksuit bought in the clearance department. We like to show others that we have something that is rare or more difficult for the average person to have. When a man is unavailable or uninterested in commitment, they may appear more desirable because their attention and affection are seen as a limited resource. Your ego wants to obtain this hard to reach person the same way your ego wants to parade that LV bag all over Instagram (guilty).

Their limited dose of attention and affection towards you triggers a sense of intrigue, making them seem more attractive than they might be if they were fully accessible. Have you ever told your girls “yeah he’s cute but he’s not my husband. I don’t like XYZ about him…” and then 3 weeks later when he starts to become inconsistent or perhaps switches up on you a little you suddenly start to pine over him and conveniently forget the fact you actually didn’t see him as a suitable partner in the first place? Now you’re upset FOR WHY? Exactly…

In a situationship where there’s typically one person showing only occasional bouts of attention or interest, it can create a cycle of anticipation and reward. The brain releases dopamine which is the hormone responsible for feelings of pleasure and reward. Because the affection isn’t consistent, the brain may crave it even more, leading to a deeper emotional attachment to the person.

Alongside dopamine, one of the primary hormones involved in romantic bonding is oxytocin which is released during moments of intimacy. Women tend to release far higher levels of oxytocin than men which is why there can be a mismatch between the emotional experience of one person and the other, especially if the other person isn’t seeking a deeper connection.

Uncertainty and Attraction

When you’re getting to know someone and they aren’t direct with where they want your connection to go or where the lines of commitment and emotions are blurred, the uncertainty of where the relationship is going can make it all seem more desirable. The ambiguity keeps you engaged hoping for more and you begin to romanticise the potential of this person. Then when they do show you some sort of attention your feelings of excitement are heightened.

I read a tweet years ago that said something like

Is the sex with that man so good or are you just infatuated with the 10 minutes of intimacy that he’s giving you

and it’s a question that needs answering! I know you want to say I plead the fifth your honour but girl please think about it. This man hasn’t text or called you and you’ve been waiting by the window like Kevin in Home Alone all week. He finally pops up with a half hearted desire to come see you at 2AM and the next day you’re talking about how it was the most romantic night of your life. What was romantic about it? You are merely attached to the short amount of time you were able to be close to this man, a closeness you know will be pulled from out under your feet again in a couple days time when you don’t hear from him.

Attachment Styles and Self-Worth

Our childhood’s and psychological makeup can definitely play a significant role in why we become attached to people who don’t appear to want us in the same way. Specifically, attachment styles and self-esteem can influence how we approach relationships.

The concept of attachment suggests that people develop different ways of relating to others in relationships, often based on early childhood experiences with their parents. These attachment styles can influence how we connect with romantic partners later in life. Anxious attachments seem to outwardly suffer more in this area because being loved and desired becomes the ultimate goal and trying to obtain that from someone who is reserved in their emotions or less interested in the connection can be a real cat and mouse game. It triggers childhood wounds and what you think you’re searching for in this man is actually something you probably lacked growing up. Understanding your attachment is important because self awareness is key and it can help you identify why you’re in a situationship in the first place.

Self-Worth and Validation

Wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has shown no signs of being a good partner can stem from issues of self-worth. If someone has low self-esteem, they might seek validation to feel worthy or loved. The approval or affection from an unavailable man can feel like a form of validation, reinforcing the idea that their self-worth is tied to someone else’s attention. This goes back to the dopamine cycle of being attached to the breadcrumbs. Bread crumbing is doing just about enough to make you feel like they care and you holding out hope that the crumb will eventually turn into a cookie.

Pursuing an unattainable man may be an unconscious attempt to prove that you’re worthy of love, even if the relationship ultimately isn’t fulfilling. Breaking this cycle requires a focus on building self-worth and learning to seek validation internally rather than from the men you associate yourself with.

Misconceptions

I don’t know who told us that bending over backwards for a man is what gets us a ring but I’ll ask how many of you have one by doing so? ….

You’ve fallen hook, line and sinker for a man that hasn’t even done 5% of what you’ve done for him because you’ve mistakingly positioned yourself as a person of importance. You became a mother figure without him asking. You became a cash cow. You became a therapist, a laundrette, a prostitute (okay bit extreme) all in hopes of proving that you are worthy of being chosen. This makes you feel like his woman, because after all, you’re placing him in your life as your man. All for him to choose the other girl who barely answers the phone to him. The one who refuses to cook for men. Men will literally go for whatever they like and that will include somebody who focuses on themselves as opposed to obsessing over what he needs. You fell in love with the idea of being a wife without even asking him what that looks like.

Breaking the Cycle

Situationships are not positive dating experiences which I explained in detail in the previous post. They are reserved for women who secretly long for more from a person they are sleeping or hanging out with. Someone said once a situationship is one person calling it a situationship and the other person not calling it anything at all and I laughed for 40 nights straight because it’s so true. That man is not telling his boys he is in a situationship with you beloved.

You have to get to a point where you recognise what it is you want and hold yourself to the required standards in order to get there. There will be no more going with the flow or hoping and waiting. You will politely decline dates with men who vocalise that they’re not sure if they want a partner, you will end things with that man you’ve been talking to for 3 weeks because all he’s offered is to come invade your personal space at home. It’s actually very simple but due to some of the above factors we end up making it extremely hard for ourselves.

Ultimately, you’re not in love with your situationship and you never have been. You’re emotionally attached to a man who is not willing or able to give you what you want so you’ve catastrophised everything in your head and concluded that these turbulent feelings of inconsistency, reward, abandonment, pleasure must be feelings of true love. It is toxic and the longer you stay in these situations the longer it will take to find a partner who equally wants to embark on the same journey as you do. Please do not take pride in ‘being’ with a man for over 2 years and the only thing you have to show for it is tears, a Nando’s and 3 half orgasms.

Once you strip everything back and recognise that this person hasn’t provided you with any real security and you’re harbouring really strong feelings based on 10 minute intervals of sex or conversation you will begin to gain clarity and shake some of that intensity of the connection off. It starts with you and it ends with you.