New Day Old Demons – Have You Really Healed?

They say healing is important, and it’s all a nice “yeah trueee” in the moment but it’s not until you’re arguing with your demons on a random Monday evening that you realise how true it actually is. New day old demons. Seriously, can you fuck off already? I already have a devil on my left shoulder encouraging me to be a stripper out in Miami I don’t need you throwing my life into disarray as well.

Experiences aren’t age exclusive, we all know that. But once you reach your late twenties you do get to a point where you feel like you KNOW how to navigate your feelings and handle your past. Usually though this feeling is most prominent when you’re single which ultimately makes it redundant because you’re not putting that self assessment to any sort of test. You’re merely just saying “I know my worth and I don’t feel any type of way towards my exes” to anyone that will listen.

….And then you meet a guy. A new guy. The type of guy that makes you look around and think “oh shit, you’re talking to me??!” and that self assessment you made about being secure in yourself and healing from your past starts looking funny in the light. What’s up? I thought you KNEW how to navigate your feelings?

When you start dating someone new you realise the scars from the past still exist.

You never know when those little things that really got to you during past relationships will come back to haunt you and clap you in the head. The person may inadvertently trigger old thoughts, bad feelings or certain emotions and how do you deal with that? You push them away, or self sabotage. When you’ve convinced yourself you’ve healed but haven’t actually done any inner work to ensure that you have, you fast realise that disassociating from a person and getting over them isn’t enough. Sure, I’m over that relationship, but am I over the trauma? Am I over all those little things that made life so difficult and defined who I was during that time?

I’ve realised I’m a control freak, and I wrote about that briefly here during lockdown. It makes me feel safe when I have leverage over a situation. When a person likes me but I haven’t decided if I like them back yet is my main one. Things are so simple in the beginning and people see this raw, authentic side to me that they really enjoy. I’m just me being me, until my subconscious joins the party and starts fucking shit up. My subconscious starts to worry – am I worthy enough? Do they actually like me? Are they going to leave? They’re probably going to leave because everyone eventually does and it’s easier to believe that they’re going to leave because omg THEY’RE GOING TO LEAVE AREN’T THEY!? lol ya get it? I have no control over my subconscious mind in those moments and my mind is great at running away with the circus. And to combat those feelings I project onto the other person, jumping to conclusions or assuming the worst. Sometime’s its no big deal but sometimes it can be soul destroying to know someone is trying their best by you and you’re talking to them like they’re guilty of anything and everything. I read stories of women who find men who are patient and understanding of ones past trauma and while that is incredibly inspiring, I also understand it’s not solely a mans job to make me feel secure.

Someone recently made a good point to me. They said: ‘If you know your relationships are genuine and platonic why is it so hard to believe that mine are too?’ and unbeknown to me at the time, me tarnishing them with the same brush from my past put doubts in their head about me! Little old ME!? If I struggle to believe that people can have healthy friendships with others is that indicative of a guilty conscience? No, but I now understand how it can be perceived that way because it’s a very common trait to carry when you’re a dishonest person. We concluded that my assumptions were merely trust issues, but these self sabotaging behaviours can really throw things off track when you’re simply trying to get to know someone. You rarely consider how it affects the other person. One minute you’re cool as hell and the next you’re an absolute maniac. Safe.

When you spend so long keeping your relationships casual, or lowkey knowing they’re not the one you build up this image of every person being the same. And then you come across someone who you actually rate on a deeper level and it’s overwhelming and weird. That independence you had when single becomes dependancy because you think it’s too good to be true. You lose yourself and that spark you once had in the initial stages. And it all comes down to the fact that you never really healed. You my friend have learnt the art of pushing people away. Which is funny because you don’t want to push anyone anywhere. You actually want the total opposite. And you’re not doing it on purpose, but you just can’t seem to stop…

So I guess for someone like me: a control freak who self sabotages, the only logical thing I can do is actively work on healing. It takes more than a self help book or an Instagram quote. It’s a lifestyle and one that will flourish whether you’re involved with somebody or not. I mean it would be nice for someone to shower me in so much love that my subconscious re-programmes itself but really and truly I got to do this homework by myself *long*. Lowkey I think I’m this way because I haven’t experienced the right person to make me feel secure enough, but soon enough things will naturally fall into place with a little TLC and guidance. Rome wasn’t built in a day after all…

…..Or maybe I am just a maniac.

My next post will be on self sabotaging behaviours and ways to tackle them. Your ideas and experiences would help me do this so please feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts <3