[5 minute read]
Omg I haven’t posted in what feels like 8 years. Do I even know how to type? We’ll soon find out.
When it comes to independence I know a lot of women wear it as a badge of honour; I certainly used to be one of those women. I have girlfriends and associates who would also identify themselves as people who take pride in their independence and their ability to do just about anything by themselves. Ultimately, being independent is a great life skill and when you truly know how to hold your own in all areas of your life, it feels extremely empowering.
But empowering at what cost?
When it comes to romantic relationships you’ll find that the more independent you claim to be the harder it is to attract a suitable mate. You would assume that your independence would attract like minded men. Men who can take care of themselves. Men who can lead and be turned on by your strong presence but more often than not, you end up with somebody who is quite the opposite. Hyper independent women usually attract men who have very little to offer. The types of guys who barely manage the bare minimum. The mummy’s boys. The ones who don’t believe in romancing anybody in life and feel like Valentines day is a scam. The only scam here is how you managed to get into my DM’s. Please piss off.
There’s a reason why these two types of people align. The hyper independent woman has learnt to stand strong on her own two feet, and has therefore built a solid wall around herself where she can proudly vocalise all that she has achieved and all that she has to offer. Subconsciously hyper independence often stems from some type of trauma, so there’s almost a kink tied to their independence. They get off on how independent they are and it’s almost used as a personality trait. We’ve all heard the phrase “I’m an independent woman I don’t need no man” but I fear that many of us kinda took that a bit too literally and in turn we have suffered the consequences. We have found ourselves in relationships with men who offer us very little, but we are so obsessed with the idea of being independent we ignore what the relationship is lacking. We’ve been in relationships where deep down we would love to be taken out for a nice meal, but instead we insist on going halves on absolutely everything because it is vital that we keep up appearances. We CAN pay for things, therefore we will, etc. Never really allowing anyone to do anything for us because we’re so used to doing it ourselves. This independence could be a result of past negative experiences – possibly where we haven’t felt safe or trusted that the other person can help us so we refuse to let anybody in. It could also be tied to your worth and how highly you view yourself. You might worry about what you have to offer outside of your independence?
In hindsight you can then see why bottom of the barrel men love this type of relationship. He doesn’t really have to do anything yet will reap all the benefits of being with you without having to reciprocate a damn thing. Deep down you’re not very happy but the constant need to validate your independence to anybody that will listen keeps you stuck in an unfulfilling situation. You try and convince yourself that you don’t ‘need’ things, particularly from the man you are trying to love. Hyper independent women will usually tell you that they’re low maintenance and try and persuade you to believe that that gift giving is overrated or acts of service isn’t necessary. They’ll suddenly not believe in baecations and cute romantic gestures because they’re not experiencing it from anybody. Low maintenance is actually just a code word for a lack of standards if I’m keeping it real. There is nothing wrong with having requirements and non negotiables and things that you desire when it comes to love.
Life changed for me when I dropped the need to identify myself as an independent woman. I realised that there were an amalgamation of ways to portray independence without it being hyper visible. I didn’t need to be telling men that I can do everything by myself. I didn’t need to keep proving that I had money in my account and that I know how to hold a mature conversation. Anyone that meets me will be able to tell this simply through getting to know me so what am I begging for? Also really and truly I love being a damsel in distress. I love needing my man. I love being vulnerable and feeling safe enough to rely on his abilities to look after me, and to look after us. At the end of the day real men love being providers. They enjoy knowing that there is somebody out there that needs their help. They want to offer you their services. They want to make you feel comfortable. I surrendered to letting men take charge and if you feel like you are a hyper independent person who carries their independences like a lanyard then I suggest you explore surrendering yourself too.
When you drop the incessant need to make sure everybody knows you’re independent you can really sit back and choose from a better selection of men. You have a clearer vision and you will find that your dating experiences become much more mutual and pleasurable. You’re not looking for anybody to fix (because what comes with hyper independence is a simultaneous desire to try and better other peoples circumstances) and you’re less likely to seek validation in any kind of way. Saying that It can be daunting surrendering yourself because there is also a thin line between a woman who wants a man to take the lead and a woman who is just looking for a free meal and nobody wants to be labelled as the free meal girl. End up in a twitter thread about how broke and useless women are in 2023. No thank you. I just wanted you to pay for the daiquiri 🙁 Tough crowd…
Anyway, basically, it’s time that you dropped the big neon sign that says
“HEY, I AM SO INDEPENDENT I WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY WITH OR WITHOUT YOU”
and allow the man to be a man and feel confident enough to let him take care of you. You can continue to support and contribute to the relationship in more feminine ways that doesn’t require you to be so hard headed and guarded. You can be 50/50, you can put the shelf up by yourself, heck you can even drive him around all day if you wish (lol please don’t), but ultimately a partnership will only work when the two of you are in sync with one another and truly understand and appreciate what you both have to offer. You don’t have to prove it by bending over backwards trying to convince them that you’re solid. Lean back into your feminine energy and allow the men who you choose to date to date you properly. You will either find a great guy who you go on to settle down forever with, or you will at least experience some pleasurable moments with really nice guys who have every intention of taking care of you while you are together. It’s a win win.
And while a few of the examples in this post lean towards financial surrender, I don’t mean simply finding a man who pays for everything (although I am 100% open to that so feel free to consider this proposal) I just mean that it’s about time you dropped your armour and allowed for the men in your life to provide and care for you in any way that feels appropriate for you both without feeling the need to justify yourself all the time or withdraw from it because you think that you’re better off doing it yourself. Your hyper independence is a coping mechanism but you’re not coping, you’re suffering…think about it.
If you’d like to read more on hyper independence and where it usually stems from, I found an informative article here which explains these experiences in more depth.
Glad to be back! Hope you enjoyed <3